Wide Awake.

I want Him here………
So He can touch me.
So He can kiss me.
So He can bite me……

So that I can have this loning cease…. If only for an instant.
So I can sleep.
So I can think.
So I can breathe.

I want the ache in my fingertips to leave.
I want the hole in me to vanish.
I want to stop the crying….. The bleeding……. The hurting.

Lumas Are Cute. ^_^

Really and truly I cannot tell you what is going on. What is going to go on.

I have this awful feeling that when He returns all hell is going break lose. That everything that had been said, that had been done, is going to break. I’m going to be the one screwed over. I’m going to be lost in the abyss.
And I don’t think I’ll be able to get back to any sense of reality if that happens. I won’t be able to function. My old habits will find their way back to me and I’ll lose even more than everything because of it.

Nothing like this should happen to anyone. No one should be able to be taken over by another being to the point if they disappear, you disappear as well. Maybe not physically…. But emotionally. You feel as if you’ll never be able to think straight again. Which happens a lot to me. And the only thing that helps is the fact that I know He hasn’t gone anywhere. Isn’t going anywhere.
I think, fear, that while He’s been away He’ll have had time to think. Had time to get His priorities straightened out and know what He wants……. And that won’t be me. In any sense.

This feeling of fear, of worry, of (for whatevers left of it) Love is tearing me up. Making my hole bigger, wider, and deeper.
I wish I could talk with Him.

And everyone is against me. Despite what others have said. I know that they are because they would much rather see the latter succeed than I. Which I understand and could only be acceptable toward.

And now there somewhat of an intruder hovering over me… Eric has become somewhat overbearing. He likes me. I know this. But I don’t like him. Which he had better know because if he doesn’t then his dumber than I thought. Rae likes him and I think that they would be somewhat suited for each other. For some time at least. He doesn’t get that Im afraid……

 

For certain, all I know is that I Love him. Whatever kind of trouble, or depression, madness it gets me into I see worth running the risk. Perhaps I’m naive. And others can think what they want, say what they want. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I’m just sick of hearing about it…. That “you’re stupid for sticking around, you’re just going to end up hurt, why are you going to stay with someone that treats you like that and who hurts you.”

Yes. I know how it looks and at this moment, No. I don’t really care!

 

I just worry when He comes home…. What will become of us. 

I‘m so confused, I must be losing it, this can’t be right
I never knew that you could choose to love someone then change your mind
So I just wonder why and was it something I said   

You tell me once, you tell me twice, you tell me three times more
Tell me everything I want to hear and nothing more
Cause you know I am on your side no matter what you do

With every consequence it’s your defense on why it’s mine
And I could take it if I knew just why I waste my time with you
So I just have to find out

Was it something I said to you
Was it something we can’t work through
Was it something I made you do
Or was that something you

So let me ask you I just have to now that you’re not mine
Do you feel free, have what you need or do you still feel scared inside
Cause I am on the line and don’t know what to do
No you know I am on the line so

Was it something I said to you
Was it something we can’t work through
Was it something I made you do
Or was that something you

Sometimes I’m bold and brash; and sometimes I’m prone to crash
Sometimes I say too much; and sometimes it’s not enough
But I’ll never hold you back from something you want so bad
Just tell me so I’m not sad, was it something I said

Something I said to you
Was it something we can’t work through
Was it something I made you do
Or was it something I said
To you, To you
Was it something that we just can’t work through
Something, Something

SafetySuit— Something I Said

TIA.

So, right now I’m sitting the “Business Center” of the airport waiting on my flight.

They have free internet here and stuff but there is a “proxy error” or something that won’t let me get onto MySpace……..

*Sigh* Oh well…

I had thought about sending something to Aaron or Rae or something….. But now I can’t. 

But at any rate…. It has been decided that I now have a drug…. Which doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it might. And I guess that I am a semi-drug for Him. But I haven’t really thought it all the way through because we still have the issue of Her. Which is fine. *Shrug*
I understand why She’s there….. From what I can tell She’s really great. And I think She’s amazingly pretty.
But now it has been claimed that He’s fallen in Love with me too. Which makes me smile every once and again when I think about it.
Whenever He gets back from China we’ll see what happens…. Cause I guess that’s when it’ll change……. When I hope that it will change.

A least that’s what he told me……..

Hmmm….. I miss Him. 

So I’m the king
Of all these things
Of this mess I have made
Such a waste
What a shame
My whole life is a fake

Well I’m a bore
And I’m sure
I’m a thorn inside of you
That has torn at you for years

The alcohol
The demerol
These things never could replace
What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face

I’m a bore and I’m sure
I’m a thorn inside of you
That has torn at me for years

I can’t get out of this dead skin
I can’t shed my skin
I’m not sure where to begin
Why can’t I begin again
I can’t get under my dead skin
I can’t shed my skin
Can I sleep til then

Phenobarbital and alcohol
These two surely will do
To knock me out
Keep me down atleast a day or two

When I’m awake
I can taste how bitter I’ve become
And it’s more than I can bare somedays
I pray someone will blow me away

Make it quick
But let it burn
So I can feel my life fade

Well I’m a waste and I can taste
How bitter I’ve become
And It’s more than I can bare
I can’t shed my skin
I can’t shed my skin

Crossfade— Dead Skin

Promises Unkept.

Sometimes I think that everything could change my world.

A person at least could change it. But of course, we knew that.

It’s been repeated to me over a hundred times but I still don’t like it…. Still can’t really cope with it.

But I really have to…. Cause it’ll drive me insane, already has really. =]

*Sigh* I dunno really…..

He Loves me…. Just isn’t In Love with me.

I get it. Truly understand it…. I just can’t make it stick…. Can’t make it so that I feel better about everything.

Whenever he’s there and telling it to me I get it, have it processed and everything.

The day after, or even a couple of hours later, it’s gone… Completely.

 

 

 

My stomach gets all twisted and knotted when I’m not around him… And my chest hurts… The whole that was there get worse and worse….. I haven’t learned. I’m not learning…. He’s wrong. It’s killing me. I want him to read this to know that I’m dying. That I’m dead… I’ve told him…. I don’t think that he believes me. Once it got to me while he was there, explaining. I don’t want it to ever happen again. I felt weak and defenseless…. 

He’s all that I want. But he doesn’t want me.

I speak in many tongues to many men;
Argue with angels and I always win,
But I don’t know the first thing about love.

I prophesy and know all mysteries;
All hidden things are opened up to me
But I don’t know the first thing about love

I have the keys to open any door;
I give all of my possessions to the poor,
But I don’t know the first thing about love

And moving mountains ain’t nothing to me;
I’ve faith enough to cast them to the sea,
But I don’t know the first thing about love

But all other things shall fade away;
While love stands alone and still holds sway
All other things shall fade away;
Into the ground into the grey.

I give my body up unto the flames;
And never once have I denied your name
But I don’t know the first thing about love.

Thrice— Moving Mountains

Friday Nights And Saturday Mornings Are My Favorite. ^_^

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide 
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time 
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide 
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied? 
and I would be the one 

to hold you down 
kiss you so hard 
I’ll take your breath away 
and after, I’d wipe away the tears 
just close your eyes dear 

Through this world I’ve stumbled 
so many times betrayed 
trying to find an honest word to find 
the truth enslaved 
oh you speak to me in riddles 
and you speak to me in rhymes 
my body aches to breathe your breath 
your words keep me alive 
And I would be the one 

to hold you down 
kiss you so hard 
I’ll take your breath away 
and after, I’d wipe away the tears 
just close your eyes dear 

Into this night I wander 
it’s morning that I dread 
another day of knowing of 
the path I fear to tread 

oh into the sea of waking dreams 
I follow without pride 
nothing stands between us here 
and I won’t be denied 
and I would be the one 

to hold you down 
kiss you so hard 
I’ll take your breath away 
and after, I’d wipe away the tears 
just close your eyes…

 

Evans Blue— Possession

Within A Day.

So, Rae and Aaron had a little chat. It went pretty smoothly actually. I just kinda stood off to the side and listened to what they were saying about me. Basically, the two of them are fighting over my well being. Aaron is fixing me… Because I am seen but not noticed. And Rae is upset because she was number one and now she’s number two… But now I guess she understands what is going on… Why there are butterflies and why he is the closest to me. Something is still edgy between her and I though… I can feel it. And I don’t want to ignore it because she’s important to me. I just can’t put my finger on it. And she has difficulty talking about anything… About what she is thinking, feeling, seeing. Which pisses me off to no end cause I tell her everything. Mostly. Although I guess it may be somewhat of a “Revenge” thing because for a while I told her nothing. She had lost me and there wasn’t much for me to come back to…. Back for really. So I don’t know. If she won’t say anything to me, can’t explain anything to me then I should just either sit and wait it out or leave.

I leave a lot. Figure that they are much better off without me.

 

And I think I discovered that He has to be the first one to touch me. I’ve become dependent. I don’t like that. I know that I’m wrapped up but refuse to acknowledge it aloud. But if something makes you happy then why deny it? Why step away from everything that you find necessary and amazing? Now people understand a bit better… Can cope with the fact that He is important to me. I don’t think that anyone likes it one bit. And right now I wish that I could just say, “Fuck off! You have no fucking clue so just shut your fucking mouth!” But I can’t…. I’ll lose the people I have. People I semi-need.

I guess that’s what you get though…. People will leave you for you leaving people.

 

 

Relapse 
Prevent trigger intent 
Now drown 
High strung 
Say X amount of words  

You’re solar, bipolar 
Panic disorder 
Seems harder and harder and harder 
Still you try to control it 

You mold, you mold 
Yeah you shape to mold 
Oh you’re bold you’re bold 
But your shape is bold 

You’re a symptom superficial 
To what they call knowing you 
Minus the speed, 
Could you imagine the phobia? 

Your brain is faulty wiring 
the reason for tiring 
Keep treating the curse, 
Imagine the worst 
Systematic, sympathetic 
Quite pathetic, apologetic, paramedic 
Your heart is prosthetic 

A plate of quite peculiar 
On a dish of my own 
A tablespoon of feather 
tickle me to the bone 
Give me recipes for happy 
with the chemicals gone 
Drinking freedom from a bottle 
to the tune of belong 

I’m sick of shaking 
never waking 
from the hell I achieve 
I never knew you till you left me 
with the crying disease 

Another curing, reassuring 
way to buckle the knees 
So mistreated, I repeated 
Never blessing your sneeze 

Now deleted and defeated 
I will stand on my own 
Yeah your memory that punches me 
has broken the bone 

Give me recipes for sorry 
I’m admitting I’m wrong 
Still your memory that punches me 
has broken the bone

Blue October— X-Amount of Words

Hm.

So everyone disapproves of everything…

I am going to talk to him. About his six and four of which he Loves….

I feel like I’ve been made into two people…. Sensible Shyenne and just Shyenne.

Both of which have no idea what she is going to say to Him.

It’s just a mess of a mess……

 

And now song lyrics. :]

The lion’s outside of your door
The wolf’s in your bed
The lion’s claws are sharpened for war
The wolf’s teeth are red

And what a monstrous sight he makes,
Mocking man’s best friend
When both the wolf and lion crave 
The same thing in the end

The lion’s outside of your door
The wolf’s in your bed

The wolf, he howls
The lion does roar
The wolf lets him in
The lion runs in through the door
The real fun begins
As they both rush upon you and 
Rip open your flesh
The lion eats his fill and then
The wolf cleans up the mess

The lion’s outside of your door
The wolf’s in your bed

Thrice— The Lion and the Wolf

 

 

=D

The Butterflies Made Me Sick. :D

….

So, it has been decided that Rae and Aaron are coming over after school and spending the night. Rae for me Aaron for Austin.

But my fucking family swears to the heavens that Aaron and I have some kind of relationship going on and every time his named gets mentioned about something that we do at school or if Austin and I want him over they roll their eyes and and say his name in disgust.

It pisses me the fuck off. I don’t understand why they don’t like him. I could even go as far to say that they hate him.

So supposedly I’m not allowed to hang out with him… Which makes me want to cry.

He pretty much fixed me. And I’m keeping him sane.

It’s not to say that I can’t live without him… But I would crumble underneath the weight I carry if I didn’t have him.

 

I just don’t know. I’m so angry and sad and….. *Scream* There’s no where for me to go, nothing to turn to.

I think I’m going to end up doing something stupid.

*Sigh*

He got suspended again.

He’ll be back the twenty-eighth.

I’ve been sad for a week. Another one is coming up.

I miss him.

I wanna see him so bad.

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