This is a long one…
I think I’m going to rip my hair out. My brain is so frazzled it’s amazing it hasn’t shut down. My heart too… But that goes without saying. I mean, I think if you were here, you’d be the same way. But of course maybe not. Maybe you would have gotten out. Gotten away. Gotten free. Been smart enough to see ahead to where this was going; Has gone. Not gotten so wrapped up in everything. Wrapped up in the pain, the pleasure, the bond that feels so amazingly true, so absolutely real it’s the only thing you can think of. What you’ve become consumed with. Tortured by.
And if I had been smart enough, strong enough, then I wouldn’t be here. I’m not quite sure what it looks like from the outside in….. But from the inside out there’s a hell of a mess. A mess that I kind of made blow up.
There are hands in this matter. Hands that you would think are after you. So many hands that they could smother you easily. Having most grouped together because they have the same message makes that number much smaller.
The Conquering Hand
By conquering I mean winning. By winning I mean pushing forward. By pushing forward I mean the one that I am most agreeable with…. The one ahead of the game. This hand consisting of my happiness of everything that makes me and holds it all together. I want nothing more than my happiness, But I can’t seem to reach it because of everyone else. I have a responsibility to people that makes me become the bottom of the pile. I’m getting sick of it.
I just want everyone gone sometimes… More often lately because they influence. And yes, I know that they want me happy… But I also know that they’re against me. Against it. Against Him. This hand is everything I want. All with a grand total of one thing. We all know what it is, no sense in reiterating it. It all just seems so much more difficult now. Because I know what I should do. But I can’t. I mean I can’t even tell Him to go away without a half a second later throwing my body at Him so He can’t move. It has become a problem. When you rely on something, someone, to make everything better. When you don’t even try with anyone else because you know its not going to happen. Not going to help. It’s a problem when nothing else can quiet you….. can make everything beautiful and nothing hurt.
The Fast Approaching Hand
This hand is what is jarring the other off course. All in this hand is everything else. My reason and my sense. And my friends… Family-ish and how they’re thinking; Feeling. All of them ar telling me the same thing….. “Do what you want, But I think you need to get out” I know where they’re coming from. What they’re saying meets up with my own conflict. With what I should do. I know I need to get out. Need to leave so that I can maybe get over. Maybe get over Him…… Even saying that kills me. But I know its the “right thing to do”. I almost want to tell Him I can’t do this anymore. I almost want to take that leap off the edge. I mean, I’m already cutting it close….. Why not finish is?
And maybe I would if I wasn’t thinking of it as jumping and landing on jagged rocks and then having the ocean sweep me away. But that’s how I’m seeing it. That if I leave…. That’ll be that. That once I lose Him, I’ll never have even a glimmer of what was there with anyone else. Ever.
But I’m too scared.
I can’t make this decision. At least not now…. Not yet. Which is why I am where I am. Second. I know that I am. But, when you don’t feel secondary, you start to think….. “Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m winning. Maybe I’ll finally get what I want this time….”
I’m stuck. In the most basic sense, however drastic this may seem, between Life and Death.
My Fault For…
- Letting you in
- Believing you
- Not being stronger
- Loving you
- Thinking you were my “Blue Flower”
