Really and truly I cannot tell you what is going on. What is going to go on.
I have this awful feeling that when He returns all hell is going break lose. That everything that had been said, that had been done, is going to break. I’m going to be the one screwed over. I’m going to be lost in the abyss.
And I don’t think I’ll be able to get back to any sense of reality if that happens. I won’t be able to function. My old habits will find their way back to me and I’ll lose even more than everything because of it.
Nothing like this should happen to anyone. No one should be able to be taken over by another being to the point if they disappear, you disappear as well. Maybe not physically…. But emotionally. You feel as if you’ll never be able to think straight again. Which happens a lot to me. And the only thing that helps is the fact that I know He hasn’t gone anywhere. Isn’t going anywhere.
I think, fear, that while He’s been away He’ll have had time to think. Had time to get His priorities straightened out and know what He wants……. And that won’t be me. In any sense.
This feeling of fear, of worry, of (for whatevers left of it) Love is tearing me up. Making my hole bigger, wider, and deeper.
I wish I could talk with Him.
And everyone is against me. Despite what others have said. I know that they are because they would much rather see the latter succeed than I. Which I understand and could only be acceptable toward.
And now there somewhat of an intruder hovering over me… Eric has become somewhat overbearing. He likes me. I know this. But I don’t like him. Which he had better know because if he doesn’t then his dumber than I thought. Rae likes him and I think that they would be somewhat suited for each other. For some time at least. He doesn’t get that Im afraid……
For certain, all I know is that I Love him. Whatever kind of trouble, or depression, madness it gets me into I see worth running the risk. Perhaps I’m naive. And others can think what they want, say what they want. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I’m just sick of hearing about it…. That “you’re stupid for sticking around, you’re just going to end up hurt, why are you going to stay with someone that treats you like that and who hurts you.”
Yes. I know how it looks and at this moment, No. I don’t really care!
I just worry when He comes home…. What will become of us.
I‘m so confused, I must be losing it, this can’t be right
I never knew that you could choose to love someone then change your mind
So I just wonder why and was it something I said
You tell me once, you tell me twice, you tell me three times more
Tell me everything I want to hear and nothing more
Cause you know I am on your side no matter what you do
With every consequence it’s your defense on why it’s mine
And I could take it if I knew just why I waste my time with you
So I just have to find out
Was it something I said to you
Was it something we can’t work through
Was it something I made you do
Or was that something you
So let me ask you I just have to now that you’re not mine
Do you feel free, have what you need or do you still feel scared inside
Cause I am on the line and don’t know what to do
No you know I am on the line so
Was it something I said to you
Was it something we can’t work through
Was it something I made you do
Or was that something you
Sometimes I’m bold and brash; and sometimes I’m prone to crash
Sometimes I say too much; and sometimes it’s not enough
But I’ll never hold you back from something you want so bad
Just tell me so I’m not sad, was it something I said
Something I said to you
Was it something we can’t work through
Was it something I made you do
Or was it something I said
To you, To you
Was it something that we just can’t work through
Something, Something
SafetySuit— Something I Said
