Under Control.

Arguments. Fights. Play. Being Childish. Love.

We have gone through a lot. And I hope that we can survive it… But I worry that if something were to happen, I would be fine…But He wouldn’t.

Times are tough. I am going to college in the fall and He’ll still be in high school. I dunno… We’ll do what we can for however long we can. ^_^

Everything else is pretty cool now. I’m happy. My friends are there for me and I am there for them. I’m comfortable with that… I do miss the sometimes though.

Like when I spend all of my free time with Him. I just want a few hours or an evening with them. =)

The party I went to last night was great! The kid was worried as Hell though that it wouldn’t work out. But I think it went off without a hitch. =D

I hope he thought so too. :]

And truthfully…. Our Play has never been better. ^.^ 

Poetry…

Life is pretty sweet.

Aaron and I are wonderful. Our Lives growing. Our Love blossoming.

And everyone else is happy. Which makes me happy.

And I just wanted to write something because I haven’t in over a month.

And I need to pick a song to put on here….

Hmmmmmm……

This is what I brought you this you can keep,
This is what I brought you may forget me.
I promise to depart just promise one thing,
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.  This is what I brought you this you can keep,
This is what I brought you may forget me.
I promise you my heart just promise to sing,
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

This is what I thought,
I thought you need me,
This is what I thought so think me naïve,
I promise you a heart you’d promise to keep,
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep.

 

AFI— Prelude 12/21

Unbelievable…

I can’t believe that we are going throught all of this shit again. AGAIN!

Why does it fucking matter to you if you haven’t moved on the list but someone else has just become more important! Why can’t you, you of all mother fucking people, grasp the fact that you haven’t become any lower. That I haven’t left you, or anyone else for that matter! I am so tired of trying… Tired of attempting to explain myself when it goes nowhere… Doesn’t even enter your mind!

And if you think that for one second I am going to talk to you first… You had better realize that we won’t be talking. If you can’t realize that you have fucked this up, once again, and are too proud to even try to resolve this.. I’m done. I said to you that it can be very easy to block people out of my life. I’ve done it… And I will very well do it again.

You distanced yourself from Us. From everyone really… The close ones. You left. Like you said you wouldn’t. Me at least… And I am not doing it anymore. You think that if you try and left people in, they are going to fuck you over… You can’t trust anyone because of that bitch. The bitch who I could swear to you actually never gave two shits! People vary… And neither I or anyone else for that matter are going to blackmail you, take any “secrets” that we may share with one another and blab them to the entire planet… Because really… who else would give a fuck other than your friends?!

I can’t begin to explain my frustration… but I have no feeling for you now. No emotion, no love, not a thing. So you can do as you please, but I can tell you… This may very well be The End.

I have no intention of leaving any of you. I feel as though I haven’t changed, have changed my ways and know that I would fucking notice if any of you would walk away. You are all very important to me… I hope you know that.

(We don’t want them, We want everything) 
(And we told them to want everything) 

We don’t want them, we want everything 
We’ve stolen in this suffering 
And we told them to want everything 
But use caution in what you believe 
And the haunted, deny everything 
Controlling in this suffering 
When they’re broken, and lost everything 
They’re so much easier to lead 

Take their hope away 
Take their life away 
Leave them nothing left inside 

When you’re own have died 
When there’s no more pride 
When your soul is frozen 
Is that enough 
When your heart is broken 
A thousand times 
With every moment 
Is that enough? 

Without warning, we take everything 
Undaunted in this suffering 
The dark forces surround everything 
Make it impossible to see 

Take their hope away 
Take their life away 
Leave them nothing left inside 

When you’re own have died 
When there’s no more pride 
When your soul is frozen 
Is that enough 
When your heart is broken 
A thousand times 
With every moment 
Is that enough? 

Haven’t they suffered enough, Haven’t we suffered enough 
Haven’t they suffered enough, The Damage more than they can bare 
Haven’t they suffered enough, Haven’t we suffered enough 
Haven’t they suffered enough, The Damage more than they can bare 

Did they even have the reason why 
Countless sons and daughters had to die 
Can you even comprehend the pain 
Tell me when your 

Own have died 
When there’s no more pride 
When your soul is frozen 
Is that enough 
When your heart is broken 
A thousand times 
With every moment 
Is that enough? 

When you’re own have died (have died) 
When there’s no more pride (no more pride) 
When your soul is frozen 
Is that enough (Is that enough) 
When your heart is broken 
A thousand times 
With every moment 
Is that enough? 

Enough— Disturbed

Like Children.

Everything is wonderful. :)
It feels like we are the missing pieces of each others life…. And things are falling into place.
No one is mad, or upset, or jealous. (Unless I am naive)

The weekends are the best part of life… Because we are nearly inseparable.
Nearly every moment is spent together… With what seems like enough time with everyone else.

I loooovvvvveeeeeessssss Him. ^_^
And He loooovvvvveeeeeessssss me. ^_^ 

So Saturday…. =)

So I went to Jacksonville with Him and His family.

They were all really nice and His mom told me that she liked me… Even though we had a little mishap…. So that made me feel a bit better….. even though He just keeps saying “There is a difference between liking and accepting.” I’ll stick with they like me.

When we got to His uncles house, we watched Interview With A Vampire. Which He had never seen. I can’t believe that… I love that movie. It’s really really great. Of course He was just all “It was alright” And we tried to watch The Departed…. But we kept getting distracted and missed half the story line…. So we put in Hostel. Do not watch that movie. The entire first half is nothing but sex. And then the killing is crap. >.> We didn’t even get to finish it because we had to leave…. So I don’t approve of that movie.

But it was a good day. And I know that it would have been better if we could have killed them all just so we could be alone. But with what happened while people were around… I am very proud of myself. =D

There is some kind of desire that I can’t seem to control very well. It is kind of like my own form of the Ardeur. (Which means nothing to bunches of people…. But that’s alright.) And if it isn’t fed then I can do nothing else with my day… My week… Even just the few moments….. Until it is satisfied. And maybe that comes with the territory of being with someone… The drive to do whatever you can to please them while pleasing yourself.
My hands were aching when I couldn’t touch Him… To the point that it hurt and I had to hold my hands together and dig my fingernails into them.
But then, when I did, everything was set into place… Nothing had ever felt more right…

In you and I there’s a new land
Angel’s in flight

My sanctuary, my sanctuary, yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music inside
What’s left of me what’s left of me now

I watch you fast asleep
All I fear means nothing

In you and I there’s a new land
Angels in flight

My sanctuary my sanctuary yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music inside
What’s left of me what’s left of me

My heart’s a battleground

You show me how to see
That nothing is whole and nothing is broken

In you and I there’s a new land
Angel’s in flight

My sanctuary my sanctuary yeah
Where fears and lies melt away
Music inside
What’s left of me what’s left of me now

My fears and lies
Melt away

Utada Hikaru— Sanctuary

Nothing Better… ^_^

They don’t understand how much I need this.
How much we need this. 
How difficult it is going through the day with nothing more then simple touches… Not being able to respond to one another. 
How much it drives at my skull, my skin, and my heart.

It’s as bad as not breathing. Holding my breath until I want to collapse.
I am dying. And I’m not sure that I can last too much longer.
And I just need time to get used to all this… The emotion and the craving. God that craving….. It will be the death of me. I promise you that.  

I want people to be happy… But I don’t want to go overly out of my way to make that happen…. I want my happiness because I think that I deserve it. And perhaps I’m selfish… Because I want just ‘Us’ the mere essence of it and everyone else needs to try and grasp that. Must understand that they are still so important to me, just aren’t the main part of my picture anymore. The only picture I have is Him.

Either you’re with me or against me. Beside me or behind me.
You make that decision…. And we will go from there.

A daydream spills from my corked head 
Breaks free of my wooden neck 
Left a nod over sleeping waves 
Like bobbing bait for bathing cod 
Floating flocks of candled swans 
Slowly drift across wax ponds 

The men all played along 
To marching drums 
And boy did they have fun 
Behind the sea 
They sang (hey!) 
So our matching legs 
Are marching clocks 
And we’re all too small 
To talk to God 
Yes, we’re all too smart 
To talk to God 

Toast the fine folks casting silver crumbs 
To us from the dock 
Jinxed things ringing as they leak 
Through tiny cracks in the boardwalk 
Scarecrow, now it’s time to hatch 
Sprouting suns and ageless daughters 

Don’t you know 
Don’t you know 
That those watermelon smiles 
Just can’t ripen underwater 
Just can’t ripen underwater 

The men all played along 
To marching drums 
And boy did they have fun 
Behind the sea 
They sang (hey!) 
So our matching legs 
Are marching clocks 
And we’re all too small 
To talk to God 
Yeah, we’re all too smart 
To talk to God 
Oh, we’re all too smart 
To talk to God 

Ooooh 

Legs of wood waves, waves of wooden legs 
Waves of wooden legs 
Legs of wood waves, waves of wooden legs 
Waves of wooden legs 
Legs of wood waves, waves of wooden legs 
Waves of wooden legs 
Legs of wood waves, waves of wooden legs 
Waves of wooden legs 

Oooooh 

“So close” 

Behind The Sea— Panic! At The Disco

Let’s Stay Where We Are… Forever.

Happy doesn’t begin to cover the emotion that I have right now. In this present life.
I wonder if it’s wrong to think that I have found “The One” ….Ew. I sound all girly…. I hate that…. _._

But in any case…. My mindset on Marriage has begun to change.
For the better I guess most women would say… But I am still iffy on it.

I Love Him. I don’t want anyone else. 

 

And I am trying to keep my balance. I have already used my one and only “Fuck Up” moment. So it needs to be smooth sailing form here on out.

But it is so hard to let go. To get up and leave…. 

And I don’t want my friends to think that I am leaving them for Him. It happened to me and I was very upset by it…. Sadly I can understand why she did it though. But I swore that I would never let that happen to me.

I do not want them mad at me….. And I want them to say something if I am being too attached, to obsessive. 

 

Caught up in this madness too blind to see
Woke animal feelings in me
Took over my sense and I lost control
I’ll taste your blood tonight 

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it’s too late you’ve wasted all your time

Relax while you’re closing your eyes to me
So warm as I’m setting you free
With your arms by your side there’s no struggling
Pleasure’s all mine this time

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it’s too late you’ve wasted all your time

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there’s silence
Scream while there’s life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing

We’ve all had a time where we’ve lost control
We’ve all had our time to grow
I’m hoping I’m wrong but I know I’m right
I’ll hunt again one night

You know I make you wanna scream
You know I make you wanna run from me baby
but know it’s too late you’ve wasted all your time

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there’s silence
Scream while there’s life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing

Some live repressing their instinctive feelings
Protest the way we’re built don’t point the blame on me

Scream, Scream, Scream the way you would
if I ravaged your body
Scream, Scream, Scream the way you would if I ravaged

your mind

Cherishing, those feelings pleasuring
Cover me, unwanted clemency
Scream till there’s silence
Scream while there’s life left, vanishing
Scream from the pleasure unmask your desire
perishing

Avenged Sevenfold— Scream

Magic…

And things have fallen into place.

Finally.

I’ve got Him. All to me…

Being selfish isn’t flattering… But I’ve kept my composure for long enough.

I feel great… Relieved…

He’s Mine.

=D 

The Place Between In Between A Rock And A Hard Place…

This is a long one…

I think I’m going to rip my hair out. My brain is so frazzled it’s amazing it hasn’t shut down. My heart too… But that goes without saying. I mean, I think if you were here, you’d be the same way. But of course maybe not. Maybe you would have gotten out. Gotten away. Gotten free. Been smart enough to see ahead to where this was going; Has gone. Not gotten so wrapped up in everything. Wrapped up in the pain, the pleasure, the bond that feels so amazingly true, so absolutely real it’s the only thing you can think of. What you’ve become consumed with. Tortured by.
And if I had been smart enough, strong enough, then I wouldn’t be here. I’m not quite sure what it looks like from the outside in….. But from the inside out there’s a hell of a mess. A mess that I kind of made blow up.
There are hands in this matter. Hands that you would think are after you. So many hands that they could smother you easily. Having most grouped together because they have the same message makes that number much smaller.

 The Conquering Hand

By conquering I mean winning. By winning I mean pushing forward. By pushing forward I mean the one that I am most agreeable with…. The one ahead of the game. This hand consisting of my happiness of everything that makes me and holds it all together. I want nothing more than my happiness, But I can’t seem to reach it because of everyone else. I have a responsibility to people that makes me become the bottom of the pile. I’m getting sick of it.
I just want everyone gone sometimes… More often lately because they influence. And yes, I know that they want me happy… But I also know that they’re against me. Against it. Against Him. This hand is everything I want. All with a grand total of one thing. We all know what it is, no sense in reiterating it. It all just seems so much more difficult now. Because I know what I should do. But I can’t. I mean I can’t even tell Him to go away without a half a second later throwing my body at Him so He can’t move. It has become a problem. When you rely on something, someone, to make everything better. When you don’t even try with anyone else because you know its not going to happen. Not going to help. It’s a problem when nothing else can quiet you….. can make everything beautiful and nothing hurt.

The Fast Approaching Hand

This hand is what is jarring the other off course. All in this hand is everything else. My reason and my sense. And my friends… Family-ish and how they’re thinking; Feeling. All of them ar telling me the same thing….. “Do what you want, But I think you need to get out” I know where they’re coming from. What they’re saying meets up with my own conflict. With what I should do. I know I need to get out. Need to leave so that I can maybe get over. Maybe get over Him…… Even saying that kills me. But I know its the “right thing to do”. I almost want to tell Him I can’t do this anymore. I almost want to take that leap off the edge. I mean, I’m already cutting it close….. Why not finish is?
And maybe I would if I wasn’t thinking of it as jumping and landing on jagged rocks and then having the ocean sweep me away. But that’s how I’m seeing it. That if I leave…. That’ll be that. That once I lose Him, I’ll never have even a glimmer of what was there with anyone else. Ever.
But I’m too scared.

 I can’t make this decision. At least not now…. Not yet. Which is why I am where I am. Second. I know that I am. But, when you don’t feel secondary, you start to think….. “Maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m winning. Maybe I’ll finally get what I want this time….”

I’m stuck. In the most basic sense, however drastic this may seem, between Life and Death.

My Fault For…

• Letting you in
• Believing you
• Not being stronger
• Loving you
• Thinking you were my “Blue Flower”

Wide Awake.

I want Him here………
So He can touch me.
So He can kiss me.
So He can bite me……

So that I can have this loning cease…. If only for an instant.
So I can sleep.
So I can think.
So I can breathe.

I want the ache in my fingertips to leave.
I want the hole in me to vanish.
I want to stop the crying….. The bleeding……. The hurting.